"She ate WHAT?"

"Ava just ate frog poop. Should I call poison control?"


This was an actual text message that I got from my wife this morning...word for word. 


Many questions run through your mind when you get a text of this nature. For example:


- "How much frog poop did she eat?"


- "How hungry is a child who will eat frog poop?"


- "What will be next on the menu...a spoonful of ant bed?"


- "Is frog poop considered poisonous or just inappropriate?"


- "Would poison control make fun of me for making that call?"


- "Did she enjoy it?"


- "Did you detain the frog for questioning?"


- "Frogs poop???"


I think Brooke decided to do what Poison Control inevitably would have told her to do (and what they tell EVERYONE to do when they get a call like this):


"Just have her drink lots of water."


Evidently the cure for 99 out of 100 poisons is simply tap water.


Who knew.


I'm really not sure who to direct my disappointment towards in this situation. Here are my options:


1. My wife - I could direct my disappointment at Brooke for allowing this to happen. Where was she during the ingestion? Was she sipping a beverage? Was she sunbathing? Was she talking to some of her "good-timin' buddies" on the phone? Inexcusable. After all, I NEVER make mistakes with my children and I expect her to maintain that flawless record when I'm gone. I'm even thinking about writing a book called "Perfect Parenting Perfected by the Pates". Also, we all know that women who are 8 months pregnant can pretty much take any kind of criticism that you throw at them with poise, grace, and understanding. This is option #1...


2. My daughter - I could direct my disappointment at Ava for eating frog poop. This is simply not the expected behavior of a 16-month old child. I have to think about the future. If she can't be more mature than this, what is going to happen to her when she is out of our home? She will end up on the front page of the paper, with the headline: "18-Year Old 'Crazy' Breaks Into Local Zoo With a Fork & Is Caught Red-Handed Knee-Deep in Elephant Dung". I can't have that blight on my family name. This is option #2...


3. The frog - I could direct my disappointment at the frog for leaving his poop in my back yard. It's really his fault entirely, come to think of it. I have been very clear with the frogs about this matter. They are always welcome to visit our back yard, and even to visit our back porch, but they are not - under any circumstances - to defecate. I have put up small signs in all four corners of the back yard that say "Hey Frogs...NO POOPING!" Some may say, "Frogs can't read", but I believe that they're being naive. Kermit didn't get that smart being illiterate. This is option #3...


4. Myself - I could be disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. If I were only a better husband, father, and frog-poop-preventer, we wouldn't be in this mess right now. I need to look into the mirror. I need to make this a family priority. We need to attend some lectures on frog behavior. I need to make bigger signs. I need to patrol the back yard at night with a flashlight and a baseball bat (just to threaten them...not to kill them). There is so much I could do to make sure that this never happens again. I am the problem. This is option #4...


5. The Neighbors - Where were they during this fiasco? I know there's a fence separating us, but what kind of neighbor lets that stop them from stopping their neighbor's kid from eating frog poop? What a pitiful display of neighboring. I should really report them. I would never let their child eat frog poop. I would jump the fence, punch the frog, and save the day. That's the kind of neighbor I am. This kind of thing never would have happened in the 50's. Our culture has just become so desensitized to these things. This is option #5...


6. Our Culture - This is really the problem. If we didn't live in a culture where frogs were allowed to poop freely wherever they please, and neighbors were allowed to live at an obscene level of delinquency, this kind of thing would have been stamped out decades ago. It's the internet's fault. If people weren't "surfing" and "texting" all the time, this kind of thing would come to the forefront. I'm pretty sure Bill Maher had something to do with it too. How about some legislation on this issue? How many kids will have to eat frog poop before the government gets involved? Two? Five? A million? These are difficult questions to answer. 


Obviously, no one is to blame for this incident. Sometimes kids just eat frog poop and it's no one's fault. Why do we always feel like we have to blame things on people? When something bad happens; when our feelings are hurt; when a mistake is made; we tend to analyze and point the finger at someone. It must be someone's fault. 


We do this in our families, at work, in sports, and even in the Church. We create blame for things that God would probably rather see us overlook or forgive. 


As far as I know, Ava is fine. She isn't sick and she will live to eat something weirder another day. So I think I'll just get over it and move on.


I suggest that we all do the same.