Best blog ever*

I am going to give $1,000 to everyone who reads this blog today.*


Seriously, I really am.**


Brooke and I took Ava to Sonic for dinner last night (and when I say "dinner", I actually mean "diarrhea") and we noticed something interesting on the menu...


It said, in large letters: "Now serving hand-mixed* shakes." 


Did you notice the asterisk beside "hand-mixed"? 


I sure did. 


It took me a moment to find the line that explained the asterisk, but I finally found it (printed in 2 pt. type at the bottom of the page). I will paraphrase what it said because I had forgotten my telescope and therefore, couldn't read it...


"Not all locations offer hand-mixed shakes."


Well, zippity-doo-da***. 


Isn't that convenient for Sonic. Hey Sonic...what about THIS location? How about the one we are currently SITTING at? Do YOU offer hand-mixed shakes, because that's really the only location I'm interested in. I'm not really all that interested in what OTHER people are able to have for dinner.


Which of Sonic's locations offer hand-mixed shakes anyway? 


The ones with hands? 


What kind of high-dollar, high-tech equipment does Sonic have to ration out to its many locations in order to hand-mix a milkshake anyway? 


What does this even mean? Are they sticking their hands in my milkshake now and mixing it around? I'm not sure I want that. And if their hands are too short to reach the bottom of that gigantic Route 44 cup, are they going to use their feet? I need to know this information before I place my order.


I mean, am I supposed to turn to Brooke and say, "Look honey! If we were in a different location, we could have a hand-mixed shake! Let's keep driving until we get lucky!"


By the way, I'm pretty sure they don't have hand-mixed shakes in Northport. Do you want to know why? Because when Brooke got to the middle of her Sonic blast (which I realize isn't a milkshake, but it's awfully close), the toppings suddenly stopped. There were Oreos and then suddenly....there weren't Oreos anymore.  


No one who was mixing that by hand would allow that to happen. A machine did that. A mindless, mean-spirited, joyless machine.


What kind of a society are we living in where we can make these outlandish promises to people and then undo them with a simple asterisk? 


What if we all started doing this? What kind of chaotic madness would ensue? What if we did this in our marriages and we had to explain our asterisks?


"Honey, I love you*"


"What was that?"


"I said I love you*"


"Yeah, I heard you, but what's with the asterisk?"


"Oh, you heard that?"


"Yeah. I did. What does that mean?"


"Um, it means that I love you...unless you don't get the laundry done today, in which case I plan on being mad at you until bedtime and saying mean things about your mother during dinner." 


"You're a jerk*"


"Ok, what did that asterisk mean??"


"It means that the word 'jerk' was substituted for what I really wanted to call you."


"Oh. Never mind then. I'm sorry*. I really do love you.**"


"I heard those too! What did those mean?!"


"Man, I thought those were quieter...Ok, the first one meant, 'No, I'm not', and the second one meant, 'I hope this is still true'."


"Get out."


The asterisk could conceivably single-handedly dismantle the institution of marriage in approximately 12 minutes****.


What if Christians did this while we were singing?


"Create in me a clean heart*, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me**..."


*Except, not really. I kinda like my heart dirty, thanks. I'm just singing along so I don't stand out. You understand.


**Same thing with this one too. Leave my spirit alone please.


"I have decided to follow Jesus*, no turning back**, no turning back***"


*Except when He leads me somewhere that I don't really want to go, in which case, I'll catch up with Him later on.


**I might turn back.


***Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll turn back.


What do we really mean when we say the things we say to God and to others? What if our mental "asterisks" were actually audible and people knew that we weren't being completely honest? 


The Bible says that God already knows our hearts. Just because other people don't know our hearts doesn't mean that we should go around being dishonest with them. We will be held accountable for that. 


Let me challenge you to give more thought to the things that you say before you say them. I know that I need to do that. God is listening, and He expects us to be truthful and honest with one another. 


Small problems can arise when we are honest with each other, but much larger problems can arise when we aren't. 


By the way, I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately.*****


* No I'm not.


** No. Seriously. I'm not. I don't have it to give, even if I wanted to. Stop trying to get rich off of me.


***Unsure of spelling.


****Not mine, of course, but other people's.


****No I'm not. I told you from the beginning that I wouldn't do a very good job with it. It's kind of your fault for thinking that I could. So check yourself before you wriggity-wreck yourself.